SABOTAGE!

I swear, Arnold Schwarzenegger got nothing on me, I just constantly know how to sabotage my own life... Fuck.

Nowhere.

I blog, I post, I complain.

Darling, is this thing actually working?

I'm a mess.

The Cycle

I hate college sometimes.  

Oh yes, I do want to have fun.  So what's the plan then every single day and night?  It's the same thing. Smoke or drink. Oh no wait; smoke and/or drink.  That's it.  It's this stupid cycle, this stupid unreal bubble that I'm trapped in.

Then you're going to say, "Michelle, don't you do that? Don't you party? Don't you associate with those who party?"  And honestly, I'll nod.  I'll nod and say, I have no fucking idea of what I'm doing, and I am honestly sick that I do it.

I took a break though. Oh yes sir I did!  It lasted two weeks. Then all of a sudden, wham. It started again.  And not like, a 2 day thing, had to be about almost 3 days in a row and then more the next few days. About 5-6 kinda stuff.

Why do I always set myself in situations I don't like?

I mean, back in middle school I was the kid no one befriended really. Oh sure, I had a few friends. But even one of my best friends had left me to hang out with like.. Chinese people.  Like she ditched me so I had to make friends, again.. Sort of.  Then high school was topsy turvy. Had friends, then someone didn't like me so basically got kicked out then hung out with one person then hung out with 3 others.

And even then, it got repetitive.  

What I seek is to do, not to be pressing some repeat button.

I lack substance at this point.

Where do I go from here?