If you're Happy and you know it...

Clap your hands. So where'd my clap go?

Here  I am listening to the happiest music in the world, or well let's say... Poppy soundtracks to get me out of the stupid little pessimistic mood I'm in.

I gotta shape up, gosh darnit. No more bullshitting.

By the way world, I gots me a hair cut!

Knowing Truth

What I seek is to understand and what I seek to understand is the truth.  What baffles me is if I will ever truly know the truth and if I am for certain that it is real and worth it.  

What sparked me to understand the truth is because of the damn movie Moulin Rouge!  Stupid little movie and its sad ending.  Damn it to hell.  Christian's little life lesson from Toulouse was... "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

One More Then and PRROOT!

Here I am, yet again procrastinating and setting myself for utter failure. I am so lame.  Oh well.  Tomorrow, I'm leaving for the Bay and I just want to chill. I don't want to think about studying but I know I'm actually going to start a bit. This is my schedule..

Friday - Chill. Rest with Fam.  Kick it with friends.

Saturday - Same shit, see Fam.. Probably having a kick back.

And then the rest is gonna be a bonfire, glow-in-the-dark mini golfing drunk, astrojumpingplacethingy, getting my wisdom teeth pulled out so muy vicoden or whatever,going thrift store shopping at 'frsico,  having photography sessions and blah blah blah.  I guess I have a lot of engagements going on and I can't wait but at the same time.. I kinda can.

Oh. Good grief. I should mention I attempted to get a job and failed miserably at Veggie Grill. Aw poo. I went one day, my friend told me to go the next day to talk to the manager.   I went the next day and he told me they're fully staffed. POOPY! Not cool breh.  I was questioning this in my head because he fails to realize he has a sign that says.. "Now Hiring" blahs!  I was all quirky when I met him too. Oh man.  You don't understand why this is an epic fail. 

I have been talking about me in my state of being poor, broke, and miserable for the longest time.  In fact, it's rather sad because I have been telling everyone  how miserable it is living in Irvine this way.  UGH!  And see, the thing is, every time I'd complain.. I wouldn't mention that I never did apply for a job.  But see now, I can say I can... After these many months and failed. 

Good grief.

Let this be OVER!

On a Lighter Note

I am drinking way too much coffee.  I can actually see my fingers tweaking out as I type.  I can actually feel a headache coming and I'm shifting gears.  It's time to actually study for this exam. 

What I do want is a break.  To sit back, relax and just chill. Is it weird to say that sometimes I just wanna chill at home? I don't feel like being the social butterfly all the time.  I just want a break.  Next quarter is going to roll around and I have 17 units. Then summer will hit and I'm still going to be in school down here.  There is no real break. I just keep going. It's like those Energizer Bunny commercials and I just happen to be that bunny.

Irvine Irvine Irvine. Eh, it's a chill school. Nice suburb community. Okay, so nice that everyone is either upper middle class or just filthy rich.  So wonderful that I'm bored.  That kinda nice.  But I know once I go back home I'm going to see a difference. That what I thought wasn't ghetto, and I mean my hometown, is turning ghetto.  So what happens after my 4 years down here?  I move out of state for graduate school hopefully.  I want to attend BU or BC. I'm not too picky.. Or just some college in Boston.  There, I'll have a job.  There, I'll be a grad student.  There I'll start something new again and hopefully I'll have that beagle I'm dreaming about.

Why do I want consistent change? Why do I always look for change?

Even in Irvine, I know I'll be leaving in a year or two to study abroad.  I want to, you know. I want to do the DC program and perhaps the study abroad program my third year.  Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Part of me just wants to drop college and become a bum on the streets.

Don't or I'll Smack You!

I swear, everyone has been annoying me enough whether it is directly or indirectly.  Honestly, bugger off.  If you can't be considerate, I will literally either yell at you or you're just not that important to me and I will just stop talking to you altogether.  

Is it bad that I don't want anyone to like me or fall for me? So don't.  I'm a mean person.

Target Missed!

Hah. It's amusing when people aren't chill and they're frantic or they complain and whine.  It's amusing, but I tend to do the same.  I've noticed people are becoming more... How will I put it?  Paranoid?  Chill out dude. Seriously.  You're overanalyzing everything and it's bugging the crap out of me.

To my parents:  Shush.  I give up.  I can no longer be that girl you wanted me to be.  I drink mom. I've smoked dad.  I've yacked. I've blacked-out. I've had these ups and downs, roller coaster rides that never end.  I don't have the best grades and sometimes I don't try because I choose not to.

To the people that I haven't talked to in a while:  I've been busy. It's that simple. I've been caught up with school, a social life, and hey, I just recently went through a break-up. So quit thinking I stopped talking to you guys because I choose to.  Well maybe I lie.  Some of it is choice. Some of you are only IMs away, but I just don't feel like explaining why I've felt like shit, or what I've gone through. I mean, here it is on Blogger. I can't explain my whole life again and again and again. It's eh, tiresome.  It bothers me.  But, thanks for being there.

Transition, The Middle In Fact!

Where am I exactly?

Better yet, where do we stand?  There has only been earthquakes and floods since the beginning of the end, yet my feet are still stuck in the same position.  The only thing that goes through my mind is, "Fuck."  I wish I could tell you that I know.  Right now it's just blurry.  

Time. You ask for time.  It's placed right beneath your feet. It's not a gift, but more of an understanding.  At the same time, I look at you and I wonder if you did in fact or are in fact using it wisely.  If you even mean the words that slip through your mouth laced with promises that aren't kept, and leaving me unfulfilled.

I am nothing more than a mere child standing, watching, waiting.

Waiting to know where I am.

You drew the borders, I just colored in.

My title means something.  "Now what am I trying to get at?"  Well I feel that I should desperately pour out every thought that has been caged in my head these several hours.  

You drew the borders.  There are no grey areas, but thick lines of black or white.  I began to see that as you pushed me into this category of "friend" I am your friend and no more of that. You stopped trying to be more. I'm not even saying let's go out again, fuck around, and what not, I'm saying that.. during the time that you actually like someone are still interested in being in, you definitely put some effort into it.

I feel that you are not.  At first, I was hurt.  Hell, I was becoming miserable because I knew that you were re-categorizing me.  But the more you push this concept of "friend" the more I see you as your friend.  I can try; I can text, I can call, I can be on time if I say I'm going to meet up with you.  Somehow, I don't see the same. I initiate conversations with you, even if it means just text.  With what you're trying to get at or do, I can't be your girlfriend.

Am I saying hang out with me everyday? No dear. You chose to hang out with me everyday.  I never told you you had to hang out with me. Sometimes, I'd even tell you to go away.  But then you make me feel like I hindered you from making friendships. Great.

Thing is I never stopped you and I'm sorry for making you feel that way.

I wonder if you're even going to make an effort now that you're informed.

Tell me.

Librario Sorrows

I'm in the library right now and these little, prissy girls annoy the shit of me. Don't they know they shouldn't giggle here? Damn retarded cunts.  Excuse my vulgar language, but I find myself short-tempered.

I may just give up trying. I'm the one who wants to hang out. I'm the one who overly, exceedingly text messages and calls, while he just doesn't care.  It's a bit depressing to know that he's becoming distant with me that I'm slowly giving up.  I want to keep pushing to keep things, retain something, but the more I feel that he pushes me away.  Fine, I see things for what they are.

Maybe he is becoming a mannequin of someone I used to know.  It bothers me that he's transforming into someone I don't know.  I still haven't told my parents yet that we're broken up. If things don't get better, and he wants to keep distance with me, then here we go.  I can't control his actions.  I'm getting lost and frustrated at my own.  I'm done chasing someone who isn't willing to love me back.

Naive Mademoiselle

Pity, I have made a mistake and now I'm the one who's hurt.

I feel that he doesn't want it anymore.

Knowing that, I've lost strength to keep trying.

Fine, I guess I do have to move on.

But a part of me just doesn't want to.

Dirty Floors, Shut Doors

I know what I need to do.

I need to clean my room.

I need to start studying for finals.

But most important of all, I need closure.

Jokes on Butter

I don't know if it's just me, but it's becoming significantly harder to have friendly conversations with him. Fine, mean jokes, nothing nice to say fine. I wasn't near being an asshole.  It's not fair, do you honestly desire me to hate you?

Tuesdays, Tuesdays Tuesdays... Beer

Being buzzed gives this feeling that everything is just better than reality.  It's the best feeling in the world.  What I've also noticed in addition to being buzzed, is the difference Beer does than hard liquor.  Hahha. I think with what I have planned, I'm going to become fat really soon.

Yet buzzed, beer, whatever is not the point of this blog.

In actuality, I'm hurting.

I can understand what those cursed writers of love were talking about.

Hope & Noise

Today, I hope this decision didn't fuck up my life.

I'm heartbroken.