Achoo!

I have the common cold, wonderful. I get the H1N1 vaccine and the next day I'm welcomed with the common freaking cold. More like the sniffles, really, but still. It bothers me. I keep scratching my nose and rubbing it so that it turns red. Yes, folks, I'm in the Christmas spirit by becoming Rudolph. Joy to the world. And another additional bonus is the fact that when I sneeze it's loud and high-pitched; trust me, it even annoys me.

Anyway, today I watched Avatar with Wesley and let me tell you right now, it was really good. The images were good, the story line was good, the fact that there was political messages made it bomb for me. Yet, some parts of the movie were completely unnecessary, in fact they dragged the movie a bit. It's kind of sad though. Because I'm overemotional (I like to say I'm empathetic) I wanted to cry during the sad, intense, and painful moments of the movie. But I told myself, "Michelle! You're an idiot. It's not real. No crying for a sci-fi movie. Nope nope nope!" Apparently the lady next to Wesley was crying up a storm. Funny white people.

Later on today, I went to dinner with friends... Hmm. Let's make that dinner with friends more like dinner with about thirty people. Yikes. The bill was ridiculous and let me tell you; stupid BJs. I hate you. I had little awkward moments as well, since I'm now not close with anyone really there. It's somewhat embarrassing. And eh. I could keep going but I fear ... Anyway.

But my highlight of my day was really being able to converse with Wesley about current situations that happen in her life and mine as well. It's nice that I have someone who can relate to the same problems I'm facing, or that she understands my situations instead of assuming I'm this way of that. I miss her. She kept me sane.

Mayonaise

Stinkiest crap ever made, but supposedly it can cure dead, dry hair and make it shinier and softer. Well, we'll wait and see shall we? My little sister Rachelle told me I stink and my friend Daryl had to say I probably smelled like a sandwich. Oh the joy of mayo, the fatty condiment. Hopefully it will work since my hair has been suffering from little ol' apathetic me.

I have been a hermit for awhile now. I go out every other day. Wait, is that still a hermit? I don't know. I just hate going out too often since well 1)I'm broke 2)My parents are still on my case about booze and drugs 3) I actually like being a bum. There I said it! I actually like doing nothing, since when school rolls around, it'll be kicking my butt. But since I'm somewhat in dreamworld, I haven't been able to think of what to write. I hate posting things about my day so often though; I'd rather post some random thought up. Gah. I'm becoming an empty mayo jar.

Number 3

So this is my third blog for today. Ha, man I'm obsessed with blogging it's disgusting. So I'm beginning to hate meat. It's the reason why my digestive system is slow. I'm seriously thinking about becoming vegetarian. Or detoxifying my body. I don't know. All I know is that I feel disgusting.

The Sound

What's the sound when you hear the scissors cutting across your hair? Does it make a Chuchin noise.. I'm trying to imitate it but I'm failing miserably by my lonesome. I need to cut my dying hair. I'm really happy though, that my hair is mostly jet-black by itself. The only bothersome thing are that the ends are brown still. I haven't dyed my hair since last December.. That's when I died it jet-black. HAIR CUT NOWWWW.

Fix Miss Robo

The robot was broken for some time now. Her gears made her emotional, but she is not suppose to have any feelings or emotions for others. She is suppose to be detached from everyone around her. She is suppose to be heartless. It will take time till she is fixed.

Looks like another sleepless night.

The Big Butterflies

For some reason, my mind begin to wander until I recalled what my grandma in the Philippines said to me. When there are giant butterflies, there is a spirit visiting or watching over you. Some other Filipinos say that even when the smallest butterflies are there, there are spirits as well, even if it's for a short time. I can't put my finger on why I recalled that but I thought I should jot it down before I absolutely forget.


Last night I had a nightmare. I dreamt of guns, chocolate, and houses. I can't control my dreams. I wish I could though. When I have nightmares, they're not the pathetic nightmares where you're in a haunted house or whatnot. They're always crazy, always extreme where I want to cry but no one can hear me scream. I usually wake up panting, wanting to curl up into a ball, and not sleep for a bit. One of my sisters, Janelle was shot in my dream several times. Like a solicitor, I was forced to go up to houses and ring door bells or my sister would be shot. For some odd reason, my sister held chocolate in her hand. Then, he would shoot her anyway, even if I went up to the doorstep. Before I woke up, he shot her anyway, enough to kill her. I don't remember much more than that. I remember the chocolate oozing out of the wrapper, caramel dripping and looking waxy. It was a sunny day too.


I hate ending with such a bad thought. Hmm. I was looking at World Market sales papers and stumbled upon a wine called "Cupcake." I really want to try their Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, or perhaps their Petite Sirah.

The "Scare"

Ha, I almost thought I didn't pass some of my classes. I really need to learn how to control that temper of mine. Obviously, I'm hot-headed. I'm a short-fuse; once you irritate me, it's hard to calm me down. But it was scary thinking I almost failed. Poop. I could have done better... I really need to work on time-management.

I guess these past few days I have been reflecting on the past. Last night, I was talking to Daryl about old blogs that I rediscovered such as .. I forgot that I quit that old thing this year. I completely forgot that I replaced it with blogspot. I don't think I want to invest my time into tumblr though. I really like blogspot for some reason... I think it's because I began blogging more often on this thing, especially in the beginnings of my years in college. Anyway, as I was reviewing over my blogs, I have come to realize how stupid I was. No really- I was fucking stupid. The things I complained about, the people, the stupid high school drama, good grief.

Today, I was speaking to Jason T. about how we've known each other for... about seven years now. Well, I knew of him in 7th grade, so eight for me, but to Jason, well he didn't know me. No one really knew me until 8th grade. T_T It's weird to think that I've known people for that long when I haven't lived that long to begin with. And it's crazy; to think, soon, I'm going to be turning twenty. Honestly, when I'll be turning 30 I'll think that's it's stupid that I even wrote this blog. Damnit. It's just funny to think I won't be a "teen" anymore. No 7-Teen, 8-Teen, no 9-Teen. Just 20. Time seems to fly by.

Man, by 30 though I'll hopefully have settled down. -__-

Mellow Nights

I spent forty-five minutes in Build-A-Bear. Oh no, not for myself, but for my friends because they were building them. I did help name one though- Peter. Oh! And I got to help Jonaz pick the Hello Kitty Bear's outfit. She was fancy. And Peter was too. Ugh, I did damage at the mall too. I spent about $68 on this Puma jacket.. It was 30% off! You can't say "no" to a deal like that... I'm terrible!

What else besides shopping? Yliana made me realized how cold I've become. Yliana stated, "I really hope she does well..." But I've lost all hope for a particular person. It's somewhat pitiful, really. I mean, I felt bad that a skunk was almost run over, but I can't pity my friend. I believe it's because I've come to accept that she's fickle-minded. She has no idea what she's doing and she's going to be like this for awhile. So I'm not gonna say anything anymore. I can't even hope for the best for her. I think I'm just at the level of "whatever" with her. That's that.

Étrange!

I don't know if what I'm doing is considered "normal" anymore. Frankly, I don't care. But then I begin to overanalyze. Wonder. Am I being too much if the other reciprocates? Or am I being selfish, having the desire to have attention and know that it could be for someone else?

What happened to robotic, unfeeling, Michelle?

Oh, and today I am going to try to begin reading. It's time I fed my brain some good ol' literature. For some reason in school we never read The Tales of Huckleberry Fin. Yeah, my high school sucked.

One Glass Please

I believed that it was always someone else's fault for any stupid behavior I did. How stupid, how foolish was I. I would inevitably blame another individual because it was simply easier. Now I see it clearly. All this time the only one to blame is myself, the fool. I imagine the angels or demons laughing at me. I incessantly do this; I turn off what's left of my heart and think logically. I imagine too far ahead and overanalyze what's placed in my lap. One day I'm going to become a robot. I'm going to be able to turn on and off my feelings or emotions for another since I do this all the time. What a fool.

Color Effect

Everyday I drip red

Some days I bruise purple

Other times I see only blue.

Red Apples!

She entered my life as you made your exit.

Choose your poison.

Fuck

Fuck you

Fuck you

Fuck you

Fuck you.

Why, why the fuck do you always reenter my life when it's getting so good? Stay out.

Red-Painted Reasoning

It's only when I'm furious that I ever feel like writing. Or when I'm deeply sad.

"So what's it going to be about today?" you ask. Well, blogspot readers (God, I don't even think I have followers...) Well, today it's this:

Why are people searching for a reason not to like others? An excuse for their pettiness, their bitterness, their own self-loathing? It irritates the shit out of me. If you just don't like a person, you just don't like them. End of story. Sometimes, personalities cannot mesh. Sometimes some people are too strong-willed and they come off as "bitch or dick" or anything with a negative connotation. Sometimes a person may be just a "people-pleaser" or a "suck-up." Some people are just in the middle... Lost as who to define themselves. And there's the people who hate defining or categorizing and such. It could keep going on and on. Which brings me to state again, "Sometimes, personalities cannot mesh."

If you dislike me, for whatever reason, then dislike me. I did not ask for you to like me. Just don't go "round-about" it. I dislike that kind of behavior feverishly.

You gave me the tool

To destroy myself.

I gave you the tool to become more.

Ambulance Lights

I am scared.

I am nervous.

I am horrified.

I see again, loneliness.

Sing it Baby, Sing

I'd kill to just travel. Pack my bags and leave.

A friend complained the other day that none of the places we have ever lived in have ever felt home. There is less comfort and in reality, nothing is really the same. The atmosphere is different; I don't have the same things I had at home, or anything similar. I don't have the smell of my grandma's cooking filling the home... I don't have the TFC (Filipino channel) blaring across the hallways. I don't have my sister's bickering filling my ears.. Although I can't say I miss my sister's petty fights.

But at the same time, it feels right. As much as I miss home, I can't imagine ever living there again. As close as I am to my family, I am happy. I love being that mutt, the girl who doesn't have a home, doesn't need to associate a home yet. I like being a floater, going along my way until I reach my goal.

Rescue the Lost

Everything is the same.  Every party is a replay.  The liquor running down my throat, the smoke in the room.  I get over it easily and I just stare at the scene.  I'm the girl redoing what she's done this past year.  I need something new. 

1 Liter of Tears

I watched a Japanese drama titled "1 Litre of Tears" in hopes that it would teach me Japanese.  I ended up falling for the drama instead.  The plot is simple:  it's about a 15 year old girl's struggle with a disease that slowly makes her unable to function as a regular teenager.  Her whole life is shattered and she realizes all the loses she now has such as being unable to marry.  I highly recommend it, as Asian and corny as it may be.  Every episode left me crying and wanting more even though you know the end.

As much as I loved the drama, I hated it.  It makes me believe that everyone will eventually fall in love, even if they don't get married.  That's bullshit.  I see people unmarried, not dating whatever all the time.  I have become somewhat jaded at this point.  Was I ever in love? Meh, who knows.  Maybe I was in the dream where I too believed some good would come out of a relationship I want, or was in.  

Awake

She tells no lies sweetheart.  Sincerity is her weapon, silence is not her virtue.  How does she make it work?

At this point time for Nihongo kurasu, I'm losing my mind.    Every word, every damn grammatical rule is a pain.  And then finding out that they don't even use hiragana or katakana as much as kanji drives me insane.  This is a ridiculous language.  I don't know how I'm going to pull through.

O-genki desu ka?

So update time before I continue on with my everlasting and eternal homework of doom!  I dropped my management 5 class. It's so kicking my butt right now. So why'd I drop management?  

Here's why:  The class is a 3 hr class, 9AM to 11PM Monday through Friday and get this, we get a week's worth of work/learning in ONE DAY.  Oh. And we have to know 3 alphabets. HAHAHAH, I'm not kidding you.  This crap is so hard; I literally am studying more often and the only REAL rest time is when I'm lounging by the pool trying to get darker or I'm swimming like a fish.

Yes, as of now, and probably for most of my summer, it'll be PAINFUL.  But, at least when I do go out, it's gonna be worth it... -___- 

InsomniManiac!

I can't sleep.  Why I can't sleep is the true question seeing as I have 9 AM class tomorrow rill.. 4 PM (it's 2 classes).  Egads man. No sleep. No sleep. I need to wake up early tomorrow. What in the world do I do?

Two Whiffs & Into the Rabbit Hole

I started this summer with the same old thing; a fight with my parents.  That's hardly new.  What was new was how much time I dedicated to my sisters.  I never imagined that they were growing up so quickly until this past week.  The little fart is already going to WMMS this fall and the other is going to be a junior, looking for new colleges and what not.  Isn't that insane?  My sisters growing up.

My little sister is hilarious. Half of the time, she doesn't seem to realize what she's saying.  I told her, "Rachelle you need to try black people's food!"  Her response, "I eat french fries! That's black people food!"  I was like what in the world...  She explained, "I see black people eating french fries at McDonalds!"  GOOD LORD!  HAHAHAHA  I almost died laughing.  

Oh Janelle.  I'll leave it at that. She's right next to me, oblivious that I'm writing about stuff since she's going through her yearbook. Oh. Now she's reading it. Damn her. Hahah, perhaps another time I'll write about her.

Oh, in addition to this, fiasco I had with my parents, I was able to pull myself together even after going a little crazy... Ha, oh man.  Time to shower. I'm leaving for SoCal again.

Karma Please Now

I found myself happy these past few days ever since the break up. I went to parties, chatted up with people... I was finally, finally having a good time being myself.  I kept going [I mean being happy, not partying] everyday, not thinking too much about the break up.  I was, myself again.

But somehow this evening I found myself ranting to my roommate about my feelings when I found out he was already seeing someone.  It hasn't even been two weeks.  Instantaneously, I felt cheap.  I held it in the whole time when I was with my friends and everything spilled.

He never loved me.

Oh how the bitter truth just makes most of us bitter. It's not even the fact that he's seeing another girl, it's the fact that I tried for so long... I did everything I could, spent most of my money on him. I never got anything back.  He only came during the night, so what was I but some cheap... whatever. Where was the love?  He would hang out with other girls all the time and I didn't really ever complain even if it bugged me sometimes.  Oh, how he'd text them back and call them right away... when there'd be days when I wouldn't even hear from him.  

All I had ever asked for was to be loved.

All I had ever asked for was... for one phone call, or a text a day... Not even to hang out every single day. Oh God, if I was like that... Kill me.

All I really wanted was for him to hang out with me... Like, real legit valuable time.  

But I saw nothing.

And now I struggle.  

SABOTAGE!

I swear, Arnold Schwarzenegger got nothing on me, I just constantly know how to sabotage my own life... Fuck.

Nowhere.

I blog, I post, I complain.

Darling, is this thing actually working?

I'm a mess.

The Cycle

I hate college sometimes.  

Oh yes, I do want to have fun.  So what's the plan then every single day and night?  It's the same thing. Smoke or drink. Oh no wait; smoke and/or drink.  That's it.  It's this stupid cycle, this stupid unreal bubble that I'm trapped in.

Then you're going to say, "Michelle, don't you do that? Don't you party? Don't you associate with those who party?"  And honestly, I'll nod.  I'll nod and say, I have no fucking idea of what I'm doing, and I am honestly sick that I do it.

I took a break though. Oh yes sir I did!  It lasted two weeks. Then all of a sudden, wham. It started again.  And not like, a 2 day thing, had to be about almost 3 days in a row and then more the next few days. About 5-6 kinda stuff.

Why do I always set myself in situations I don't like?

I mean, back in middle school I was the kid no one befriended really. Oh sure, I had a few friends. But even one of my best friends had left me to hang out with like.. Chinese people.  Like she ditched me so I had to make friends, again.. Sort of.  Then high school was topsy turvy. Had friends, then someone didn't like me so basically got kicked out then hung out with one person then hung out with 3 others.

And even then, it got repetitive.  

What I seek is to do, not to be pressing some repeat button.

I lack substance at this point.

Where do I go from here?

She Shot the Bullet!

"Not again, Oh this ain't suppose to happen to me!"

I have no idea what I'm doing again, but that's fine.  

Apparently, according to my parents, because I am more "agnostic" or whatever, and rarely pray, nothing is worth it in the end if I do not believe in God.  They talk to family in the Philippines and tell them they "hope I'll finish" since I lack faith.

Good grief.

Here I am Again.

I'm happy in the weirdest way. I'm finding myself again, because I was lost for a few months.  I wasn't myself; I started doing stuff I was against in the past.  I became and remain to be the biggest hypocrite. The thing is darling, the first step is recognition.

Wonderbread

I thought there was change.  More effort seen in the last few days.  Then, couldn't keep the promise and it just makes you wonder again. 

Making it

I got it again, I just had to get a reminder of what I'm doing.  You sometimes have no idea.  When I fall, I fall. Before, back when I was stuck in the "bubble"  I was constantly pushed around so I knew what I was doing all the time.  Here, there's so much freedom; the exact thing I had craved for.  

I found myself again,

and this time, in the state of freedom.

The Lead Role

I'm getting there again.

I just have to let go as much as I don't want to.

It's time to take the Lead Role.

Messed Up

I wish I didn't mess up.

I don't know where to turn anymore darling.

I just know I miss you.

76 Degrees

Once again it's a beautiful day in Irvine, California, no surprise there. Although the last few days have been a bit ugly, the temperature is perfect and it seems wonderful.  I've come to realize something though.

I've become dependent upon things to liven parties up. Fuck, why is that? And I've lost all my self-control. I've also realized people's characters are not what they seem.  I was becoming a socialite, but I can see now that these people may be more than I have ever bargained for.  I'm becoming... something I'm not comfortable with anymore.

If you're Happy and you know it...

Clap your hands. So where'd my clap go?

Here  I am listening to the happiest music in the world, or well let's say... Poppy soundtracks to get me out of the stupid little pessimistic mood I'm in.

I gotta shape up, gosh darnit. No more bullshitting.

By the way world, I gots me a hair cut!

Knowing Truth

What I seek is to understand and what I seek to understand is the truth.  What baffles me is if I will ever truly know the truth and if I am for certain that it is real and worth it.  

What sparked me to understand the truth is because of the damn movie Moulin Rouge!  Stupid little movie and its sad ending.  Damn it to hell.  Christian's little life lesson from Toulouse was... "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

One More Then and PRROOT!

Here I am, yet again procrastinating and setting myself for utter failure. I am so lame.  Oh well.  Tomorrow, I'm leaving for the Bay and I just want to chill. I don't want to think about studying but I know I'm actually going to start a bit. This is my schedule..

Friday - Chill. Rest with Fam.  Kick it with friends.

Saturday - Same shit, see Fam.. Probably having a kick back.

And then the rest is gonna be a bonfire, glow-in-the-dark mini golfing drunk, astrojumpingplacethingy, getting my wisdom teeth pulled out so muy vicoden or whatever,going thrift store shopping at 'frsico,  having photography sessions and blah blah blah.  I guess I have a lot of engagements going on and I can't wait but at the same time.. I kinda can.

Oh. Good grief. I should mention I attempted to get a job and failed miserably at Veggie Grill. Aw poo. I went one day, my friend told me to go the next day to talk to the manager.   I went the next day and he told me they're fully staffed. POOPY! Not cool breh.  I was questioning this in my head because he fails to realize he has a sign that says.. "Now Hiring" blahs!  I was all quirky when I met him too. Oh man.  You don't understand why this is an epic fail. 

I have been talking about me in my state of being poor, broke, and miserable for the longest time.  In fact, it's rather sad because I have been telling everyone  how miserable it is living in Irvine this way.  UGH!  And see, the thing is, every time I'd complain.. I wouldn't mention that I never did apply for a job.  But see now, I can say I can... After these many months and failed. 

Good grief.

Let this be OVER!

On a Lighter Note

I am drinking way too much coffee.  I can actually see my fingers tweaking out as I type.  I can actually feel a headache coming and I'm shifting gears.  It's time to actually study for this exam. 

What I do want is a break.  To sit back, relax and just chill. Is it weird to say that sometimes I just wanna chill at home? I don't feel like being the social butterfly all the time.  I just want a break.  Next quarter is going to roll around and I have 17 units. Then summer will hit and I'm still going to be in school down here.  There is no real break. I just keep going. It's like those Energizer Bunny commercials and I just happen to be that bunny.

Irvine Irvine Irvine. Eh, it's a chill school. Nice suburb community. Okay, so nice that everyone is either upper middle class or just filthy rich.  So wonderful that I'm bored.  That kinda nice.  But I know once I go back home I'm going to see a difference. That what I thought wasn't ghetto, and I mean my hometown, is turning ghetto.  So what happens after my 4 years down here?  I move out of state for graduate school hopefully.  I want to attend BU or BC. I'm not too picky.. Or just some college in Boston.  There, I'll have a job.  There, I'll be a grad student.  There I'll start something new again and hopefully I'll have that beagle I'm dreaming about.

Why do I want consistent change? Why do I always look for change?

Even in Irvine, I know I'll be leaving in a year or two to study abroad.  I want to, you know. I want to do the DC program and perhaps the study abroad program my third year.  Ugh, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Part of me just wants to drop college and become a bum on the streets.

Don't or I'll Smack You!

I swear, everyone has been annoying me enough whether it is directly or indirectly.  Honestly, bugger off.  If you can't be considerate, I will literally either yell at you or you're just not that important to me and I will just stop talking to you altogether.  

Is it bad that I don't want anyone to like me or fall for me? So don't.  I'm a mean person.

Target Missed!

Hah. It's amusing when people aren't chill and they're frantic or they complain and whine.  It's amusing, but I tend to do the same.  I've noticed people are becoming more... How will I put it?  Paranoid?  Chill out dude. Seriously.  You're overanalyzing everything and it's bugging the crap out of me.

To my parents:  Shush.  I give up.  I can no longer be that girl you wanted me to be.  I drink mom. I've smoked dad.  I've yacked. I've blacked-out. I've had these ups and downs, roller coaster rides that never end.  I don't have the best grades and sometimes I don't try because I choose not to.

To the people that I haven't talked to in a while:  I've been busy. It's that simple. I've been caught up with school, a social life, and hey, I just recently went through a break-up. So quit thinking I stopped talking to you guys because I choose to.  Well maybe I lie.  Some of it is choice. Some of you are only IMs away, but I just don't feel like explaining why I've felt like shit, or what I've gone through. I mean, here it is on Blogger. I can't explain my whole life again and again and again. It's eh, tiresome.  It bothers me.  But, thanks for being there.

Transition, The Middle In Fact!

Where am I exactly?

Better yet, where do we stand?  There has only been earthquakes and floods since the beginning of the end, yet my feet are still stuck in the same position.  The only thing that goes through my mind is, "Fuck."  I wish I could tell you that I know.  Right now it's just blurry.  

Time. You ask for time.  It's placed right beneath your feet. It's not a gift, but more of an understanding.  At the same time, I look at you and I wonder if you did in fact or are in fact using it wisely.  If you even mean the words that slip through your mouth laced with promises that aren't kept, and leaving me unfulfilled.

I am nothing more than a mere child standing, watching, waiting.

Waiting to know where I am.

You drew the borders, I just colored in.

My title means something.  "Now what am I trying to get at?"  Well I feel that I should desperately pour out every thought that has been caged in my head these several hours.  

You drew the borders.  There are no grey areas, but thick lines of black or white.  I began to see that as you pushed me into this category of "friend" I am your friend and no more of that. You stopped trying to be more. I'm not even saying let's go out again, fuck around, and what not, I'm saying that.. during the time that you actually like someone are still interested in being in, you definitely put some effort into it.

I feel that you are not.  At first, I was hurt.  Hell, I was becoming miserable because I knew that you were re-categorizing me.  But the more you push this concept of "friend" the more I see you as your friend.  I can try; I can text, I can call, I can be on time if I say I'm going to meet up with you.  Somehow, I don't see the same. I initiate conversations with you, even if it means just text.  With what you're trying to get at or do, I can't be your girlfriend.

Am I saying hang out with me everyday? No dear. You chose to hang out with me everyday.  I never told you you had to hang out with me. Sometimes, I'd even tell you to go away.  But then you make me feel like I hindered you from making friendships. Great.

Thing is I never stopped you and I'm sorry for making you feel that way.

I wonder if you're even going to make an effort now that you're informed.

Tell me.

Librario Sorrows

I'm in the library right now and these little, prissy girls annoy the shit of me. Don't they know they shouldn't giggle here? Damn retarded cunts.  Excuse my vulgar language, but I find myself short-tempered.

I may just give up trying. I'm the one who wants to hang out. I'm the one who overly, exceedingly text messages and calls, while he just doesn't care.  It's a bit depressing to know that he's becoming distant with me that I'm slowly giving up.  I want to keep pushing to keep things, retain something, but the more I feel that he pushes me away.  Fine, I see things for what they are.

Maybe he is becoming a mannequin of someone I used to know.  It bothers me that he's transforming into someone I don't know.  I still haven't told my parents yet that we're broken up. If things don't get better, and he wants to keep distance with me, then here we go.  I can't control his actions.  I'm getting lost and frustrated at my own.  I'm done chasing someone who isn't willing to love me back.

Naive Mademoiselle

Pity, I have made a mistake and now I'm the one who's hurt.

I feel that he doesn't want it anymore.

Knowing that, I've lost strength to keep trying.

Fine, I guess I do have to move on.

But a part of me just doesn't want to.

Dirty Floors, Shut Doors

I know what I need to do.

I need to clean my room.

I need to start studying for finals.

But most important of all, I need closure.

Jokes on Butter

I don't know if it's just me, but it's becoming significantly harder to have friendly conversations with him. Fine, mean jokes, nothing nice to say fine. I wasn't near being an asshole.  It's not fair, do you honestly desire me to hate you?

Tuesdays, Tuesdays Tuesdays... Beer

Being buzzed gives this feeling that everything is just better than reality.  It's the best feeling in the world.  What I've also noticed in addition to being buzzed, is the difference Beer does than hard liquor.  Hahha. I think with what I have planned, I'm going to become fat really soon.

Yet buzzed, beer, whatever is not the point of this blog.

In actuality, I'm hurting.

I can understand what those cursed writers of love were talking about.

Hope & Noise

Today, I hope this decision didn't fuck up my life.

I'm heartbroken.

Helpless

I cannot seem to fight it.

I am against it, and I find it difficult for me to cope with it.

A petty substance, I may seem ridiculous, but I cannot help it.

I am simply helpless to the fact that I cannot help the way I feel.

In the beginning, I did not press for any chances, nor do I now.

Yet here we stand on water, not common ground.

Water can be... rough.

The Core

As much as I find myself wrapped up in love with him, the more I figure out how difficult it becomes.  Patience is not a virtue easily kept in this fast-paced world.  I

I do not know how to make things better for him, as much as I would desire to.  I do not know how to overcome my own issues.  It's kinda odd.

Parents, as much as I love them, are idiots by the way.

Hypocrite Darling, You Live

Child, you claim it's wrong

Well.. Why did you do it so quick?

Your ribs 

Are broken

Exposing your lungs

Your throat is awoken

And you're left with a raspy tongue

Slick sick hypocrite.

Betty Crocker Came Back

Betty Crocker came back into my life.

Sometimes, these flights of scares are needed. They may even be seen to rejuvenate what is there, and give a new sense, a new tingling of hope. Or, it may be consequential, creating a pessimistic blur of what used to be. I can't tell you which one it may be, but that I'm hoping it's the first one I stated.  

I hate that I've become this monster. I raise my hands, stare at my fingers and trace the outlines of every flaw, every aspect that needs help.  I know what needs work, and I realize I'm the only one to fix it. I'm sorry that I'm easily influenced. I'm sorry I can't make up my own decisions. I end up hurting myself in the end.

I've become so accustomed to someone telling me what's right and what's wrong; I've lost my common ground on common sense.  I need to start helping myself.

Simple, Starving To Be Safe

Honestly, if Kenny Choi asked me to marry him, I'd probably jump to it right away, veil and all.

I wish I had everything, intelligence and all.

Yet I lack it darling. 

I'm homesick. I'm slipping to hold on something real.

I don't know, it's getting worse.

Give me a break, give me a break!

Give me a piece of that KIT KAT BAR!

Oh man. Those bars were amazing.  I miss candy, I miss being able to buy whatever I want and having Daddy and Mommy right there. Oh well. I am a Daddy's girl after all.

I am sick of school. I'm tired all the time and I'm beginning to snap at people. Not cool. Four classes is killing my social life. WHY?! WHAT THE DOG?!  Or actually.. Hah. There's another reason why, and that's the most terrible reason ever. BACK OFF BETTY CROCKER, get out of my pants.  I need my space, my time, I need  balance.

I'm losing my mind!

Hahaha. 

I'm gonna fix my life again baby, all right.

Pass me the Skittles next if you please,

cause I think my Rainbow finally came back.

Defunked! Defizzled!

There's a part of me that wishes I wasn't the way I was:

simply and utterly, defunkified to be "jealous."

God, I've reached an all-time low.  And it's the stupidest kinda jealousy too.

It's like saying I'm jealous that you hang out and eat peanut butter all day. Gee, let me join please? Hahah. Now I'm losing my mind as I procrastinate away.

We fight a lot.  I've become like this stupid person I know: bipolar. I've become bipolar. Angry one hour, happy the next. But with good reason. Anger builds up, talk/argument, then it goes on away and I'm chill again.

I wish it wasn't so, wish I had patience, essence of purity. 

I wish I let things flow.

I want to visit a temple soon.

Self-portrait

I'm fucking up and I don't know how to make everyone happy anymore.

What do I do?

Self-improvement time.

Téléphone!

I'm stepping into new grounds when it comes to my thoughts.

I've been scared lately to lose everything I have. In some ways, I suppose I'm quite insecure when it comes to things I truly love. My dad has been sick since.. well, since I was little. Thing is, I believe his sickness is not only caused by his environment/genetics/whatever, but is because of his own beliefs. He is a pessimist and I hope I never fall too deep into pessimism. It's a scary thought. I doubt I seriously will.

I call my family members now.
Well, my Madre still gets on my nerves, but I do call her. Her work must hate me for calling her.

I called my Uncles; both had some hospital work to be done-- appendicitus attack and the other heart blockage, and both appreciated my calls. They told my dad that I called and they were ecstatic.. especially Uncle Henry. He was like, "Wow. I'm really happy you called. Thank you..." kinda stuff. Woo! Points for me. Hahah. Just kidding.

But seriously, I realize how much I can lose... Not necessarily pessimisticly, but yeah.
I realize showing someone you care and you love them, can be amazing medicine to the sick.
And amazing to those who do not take it for granted.

Sanity Vs. Love

When you sincerely mean it, you mean it.

When you give your heart away, you ultimately mean it.  There's just so much to it, yet at the same time it is simple.  

When I say "I love you," I mean it.  There's this warmth that goes along with it, my blanket of security.  I even feel empty if there's no one to cuddle with, a sense of loneliness. It's actually weird.  I have never felt this way before.

But sometimes I wonder too much.  My mind wanders off and I wonder if it will be something that can last for a long time.  We're two different people, but at the same time we are truly alike.  Rowdy teenagers looking for a good time, always screaming, always with energy even if we aren't on anything.  I'm not a party animal though. I'm not someone who can smoke, or wants to.  Oh yeah, including cigs.  Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

And maybe that's what love is about, 

losing your sanity.

Wild Fire

I am like a fire. 

You may start a fire, and it may keep going on forever, a wild fire... Something totally unstoppable.  Unfortunately, something stops me from progressing on. The rain starts to pour and the beauty, heat and passion is gone.

And then the fire is completely dead. 

I wish I could do something with myself.  I'm not at all that amazing, I wish I could say I was, but it's not enough.  I am always involved with self-improvement/development of oneself.  I'm not part of any club here in Irvine... Well, technically I am, but that's a bunch of bull. I'm not part of any sorority, because honestly it's out of my reach when it comes to money.  I don't know.

I wanna be intense again, like fire.

Where? Who?

I think if I pull off good grades this year, I'm transferring out of this shit hole. I've decided I'm sick of Irvine.  I'm bored, I need something. Something with substance that will definitely keep me entertained for the next years.

Let's see if I can pull it off.

I wanna go to Boston perhaps, but I still got to look into the details. I'm not amazing at all, but Erica may have inspired me to move away.

I was looking for something, and I still can't find it.

I don't feel amazing.

I need to do something.

I can't though.

I'm stuck, finally stuck.

Puzzle Pieces

Let's face the truth.

I wasn't fully happy this break.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I think I'm finally broken.