Self-portrait

I'm fucking up and I don't know how to make everyone happy anymore.

What do I do?

Self-improvement time.

Téléphone!

I'm stepping into new grounds when it comes to my thoughts.

I've been scared lately to lose everything I have. In some ways, I suppose I'm quite insecure when it comes to things I truly love. My dad has been sick since.. well, since I was little. Thing is, I believe his sickness is not only caused by his environment/genetics/whatever, but is because of his own beliefs. He is a pessimist and I hope I never fall too deep into pessimism. It's a scary thought. I doubt I seriously will.

I call my family members now.
Well, my Madre still gets on my nerves, but I do call her. Her work must hate me for calling her.

I called my Uncles; both had some hospital work to be done-- appendicitus attack and the other heart blockage, and both appreciated my calls. They told my dad that I called and they were ecstatic.. especially Uncle Henry. He was like, "Wow. I'm really happy you called. Thank you..." kinda stuff. Woo! Points for me. Hahah. Just kidding.

But seriously, I realize how much I can lose... Not necessarily pessimisticly, but yeah.
I realize showing someone you care and you love them, can be amazing medicine to the sick.
And amazing to those who do not take it for granted.

Sanity Vs. Love

When you sincerely mean it, you mean it.

When you give your heart away, you ultimately mean it.  There's just so much to it, yet at the same time it is simple.  

When I say "I love you," I mean it.  There's this warmth that goes along with it, my blanket of security.  I even feel empty if there's no one to cuddle with, a sense of loneliness. It's actually weird.  I have never felt this way before.

But sometimes I wonder too much.  My mind wanders off and I wonder if it will be something that can last for a long time.  We're two different people, but at the same time we are truly alike.  Rowdy teenagers looking for a good time, always screaming, always with energy even if we aren't on anything.  I'm not a party animal though. I'm not someone who can smoke, or wants to.  Oh yeah, including cigs.  Maybe I'm crazy.

Maybe I'm losing my mind.

And maybe that's what love is about, 

losing your sanity.

Wild Fire

I am like a fire. 

You may start a fire, and it may keep going on forever, a wild fire... Something totally unstoppable.  Unfortunately, something stops me from progressing on. The rain starts to pour and the beauty, heat and passion is gone.

And then the fire is completely dead. 

I wish I could do something with myself.  I'm not at all that amazing, I wish I could say I was, but it's not enough.  I am always involved with self-improvement/development of oneself.  I'm not part of any club here in Irvine... Well, technically I am, but that's a bunch of bull. I'm not part of any sorority, because honestly it's out of my reach when it comes to money.  I don't know.

I wanna be intense again, like fire.

Where? Who?

I think if I pull off good grades this year, I'm transferring out of this shit hole. I've decided I'm sick of Irvine.  I'm bored, I need something. Something with substance that will definitely keep me entertained for the next years.

Let's see if I can pull it off.

I wanna go to Boston perhaps, but I still got to look into the details. I'm not amazing at all, but Erica may have inspired me to move away.

I was looking for something, and I still can't find it.

I don't feel amazing.

I need to do something.

I can't though.

I'm stuck, finally stuck.

Puzzle Pieces

Let's face the truth.

I wasn't fully happy this break.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I think I'm finally broken.